Haikool

I drank some Kool-Aid
My tongue turned red, pupils wide
Sugar dropped, I slept

Diabetics roll
Dice, betting Kool-Aid packets
The winner loses

I get hot'n thirsty
Riding a skateboard / Me too!
A job for Kool-Aid

Son of sha-clack-clack
I'm working on the chain gang
Break time, slurp bug juice

Lemonade in spring
Apple cider in autumn
Kool-Aid all year long

the downside of sugar

This website relates the sad story of an unfortunate individual who imbibed too much Kool-Aid and became a foul, obese, sickly, disgusting mess.

Can anyone confirm his claim that Hitler invented Kool-Aid and used to include baby bones in the recipe? Serious allegations, which we here at Hey Kool-Aid! will be investigating further.

Not all Kool-Aid Fashion is Haute Couture

I'm not tech-savvy enough to grok quite what this means, but I don't care for it.

For that empty Kool-Aid feeling

Is that Stevie Wonder at 0:23?

This ad makes me depressed. Why does it end so suddenly?

Just like life

and

this bottle...

Where's Lassie?

I'm waiting for Ghostface to sample this.

DEEP THOUGHTS

Do you think Kool-Aid Man ever got completely shitfaced, smashed property, beat his woman?

How clean would you feel if you showered in Kool-Aid?

If you were crawling through the desert and could only find a pitcher of Kool-Aid with a turd sitting at the bottom, would you drink it?

Could a group of construction workers fortified by Kool-Aid build a wall so thick that even Kool-Aid Man couldn't break it down?

When Kool-Aid Man shot JFK, was he a pawn of the CIA?

How come the Constitution only guaranteed slaves 3/5 of a Kool-Aid packet?

Was there ever a better night than Kool-Aid Man spinning at the Palladium in '89?

When Jesus was on the cross, did he wish he could have one last glass of Kool-Aid?

Scrapple from the Apple

It's been one innovation after another for Apple since Steve Jobs returned to the company he founded, and as you can see, they show no signs of slowing down. Here's an early image of the iKool, expected out in time for the Christmas shopping season.

It plays music, surfs the web, bursts through walls, sends emails and text messages, quenches thirst, and does your laundry. I've already started saving my wooden nickels for this beauty.

Juicing

I'm sure most readers are aware of all the recent controversy over Kool-Aid Man's accomplishments. Most feel it's obvious he has used anabolic steroids, or some sort of growth hormone. They note his friends who had connections with steroid laboratories, or point to the increased size of his pitcher. But what really troubles me is that many observers feel his accomplishments are tainted. No one natural could put holes that big in a wall, they say. No one pure could be that refreshing after a tough game of stoop ball, they say. They call for the asterisk. An asterisk, to denote his artificially sweetened achievements. But I believe all true fans of thirst quenching should reject the asterisk. After all, aren't the walls Kool-Aid Man destroys now much stronger than they used to be? He once ran through walls of sticks and mud; now he must deal with reinforced steel and other modern alloys. Furthermore, due to global warming, today's children get much sweatier and hotter than those of yesteryear. Are all these changes accounted for in the record books? As long as Kool-Aid Man is able to deliver refreshment to those who need it, I reject the asterisk!

Football Preview

It will be a season of transition for the New York Giants. Let's take a closer look to see what is in store.

Quarterback - Eli Manning:
Entering his 3rd full season as a starter, Manning has shown flashes of ability but also maddening inconsistency. We should learn this season if he is truly a star in the making, or if the Giants should start thinking about the future. If the former, the playoffs are a strong possibility.


Running Back - Brandon Jacobs:
Replacing the brilliant Tiki Barber will not be easy. Hopefully the fans will let Jacobs prove himself and not compare him directly to his predecessor. Jacobs has mostly been employed as a short-yardage back until now, but he has the talent to succeed in the starting role.


Defensive End - Kool-Aid Man:
With future Hall of Famer Michael Strahan continuing to contemplate retirement, the Giants are depending on this rookie. In college he showed tremendous ability to smash through walls of blockers. There is some concern he is not in the best shape, but he never seems to get dehydrated.

He is McLovin

Kool-Aid Man has a small but pivotal (and uncredited) role in Superbad, as McLovin, the crime-fighting, womanizing, alcoholic sidekick of the protagonists. I hope the Academy will remember this performance come Oscar time.

casting call

Shirt - check.
Belt buckle - check
Pants - ehhh...come on buddy, don't you know that wearing red and black together is a very dangerous mix? That will scare children away.

And did you leave your spout in the car? Well, hurry up and get it.

want some candy?

Ironically, the pants make him seem more dangerous. When he was all exposed, it's like he had nothing to hide. Now, he's that shady cat on the block you should keep your young daughter away from.

Not this mom, though! She sees a big pitcher, remembers those warm feelings she had chugging alcoholic punch at Barnard, and thinks it's alllll gooood.

Viva la Revokoolucion

As I'm sure many of you know, the CIA exterminated Che Guevera while he tried to bring refreshing Kool-Aid to the thirsty proletariat of Bolivia. Yes, the Establishment's fear of the Red Menace ran this deep. The US has long been one of the world's biggest milk producers, and the government has covertly pushed foreign milk consumption since the 1950s, despite evidence a high percentage of Latinos are lactose intolerant. Don't fuck with Uncle Scam's money. If only clear Kool-Aid had existed back then, the government might have overlooked the lost income. But we couldn't very well fight an anti-Communist cold war if a bunch of crazy revolutionaries were sticking out their bright red tongues at us.

Does Your Kool-Aid Chain Hang Low?

My accomplice has been mainlining Kool-Aid powder mix in a weak attempt to meet Lindsey Lohan in rehab. So it's left to me to share this greatest exhibit of 21st Century fashion:

Good lookin to Deadspin.

Kool-Aid Man from Cincinnati

INTERIOR: BILL JACKS's house. ZIPPY is chirping wildly. BILL putters around living room, trying to tidy the clutter. There is a rumbling sound from outside. BILL cocks his head quizically. Suddenly the wall is demolished.

KOOL-AID MAN: OH YEAH!!!

BILL: Jesus, Mary and Joseph, are you kidding me?

KOOL-AID MAN: OH YEAH!!!

BILL: What in the name of Jehosaphat are you doing in my home?

KOOL-AID MAN: Kool-Aid's here, bringing you fun.

[BILL glowers]

KOOL-AID MAN: Bill is thirsty.

BILL: I most assuredly am not thirsty. Twenty-six years on the force, I can tell when my tongue is parched.

KOOL-AID MAN: The end of the pitcher is near.

BILL: The end of what, my bulbous, glass friend? The end of you, if you don't clean up this mess. Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ! My genitals are exposed to the entire neighborhood. A man works, a man serves the community, doesn't a man have a right to four walls and some privacy?

KOOL-AID MAN: OH YEAH!!!!

BILL: I don't trust you, you fluid-filled freak. You may have cozied up to the Yosts, but fortunately they have a friend like me watching out for them. I got my eye on you.

KOOL-AID MAN: I got my eye on YOU!

BILL: No, I got my eye on YOU!

KOOL-AID MAN: I got my spout on YOU!

BILL: [muttering and sputtering to self] The whole block has their eye on me with this hole you put in my wall -- unprovoked I might add. Are you going to repair it?

KOOL-AID MAN: I don't know Butchie instead.

BILL: [to self, or perhaps to ZIPPY] Good Lord, if I must speak to an animated pitcher of fruit juice, surely it could communicate in straight forward English. [to KOOL-AID MAN] Some of the wetbacks slinking across the border make more sense than you!

KOOL-AID MAN: Bill Jacks should get back in the game. With the help of refreshing Kool-Aid.

BILL: When I want your advice, which assuredly will be never, I will let you know.

KOOL-AID MAN: See God, Bill. [gets big, wide, happy, ear-to-ear Kool-Aid smile]

END SCENE

Kool Aid, Esq.

I never cared for Family Guy that much, but I must say when I saw this scene during its premiere episode, I pissed my pants long and loud. Long, and loud. Kool-Aid Man is who you need to lead a jailbreak, mos def.

vid-e-o game

I never heard of this game but it sounds AMAZING!!!!! Like all things Kool-Aid-related! If only I had the chance to play it.

hey you old bag!

You don't like Kool-Aid?



We don't like you!

OH YEAH!