DEEP THOUGHTS

Do you think Kool-Aid Man ever got completely shitfaced, smashed property, beat his woman?

How clean would you feel if you showered in Kool-Aid?

If you were crawling through the desert and could only find a pitcher of Kool-Aid with a turd sitting at the bottom, would you drink it?

Could a group of construction workers fortified by Kool-Aid build a wall so thick that even Kool-Aid Man couldn't break it down?

When Kool-Aid Man shot JFK, was he a pawn of the CIA?

How come the Constitution only guaranteed slaves 3/5 of a Kool-Aid packet?

Was there ever a better night than Kool-Aid Man spinning at the Palladium in '89?

When Jesus was on the cross, did he wish he could have one last glass of Kool-Aid?

Scrapple from the Apple

It's been one innovation after another for Apple since Steve Jobs returned to the company he founded, and as you can see, they show no signs of slowing down. Here's an early image of the iKool, expected out in time for the Christmas shopping season.

It plays music, surfs the web, bursts through walls, sends emails and text messages, quenches thirst, and does your laundry. I've already started saving my wooden nickels for this beauty.

Juicing

I'm sure most readers are aware of all the recent controversy over Kool-Aid Man's accomplishments. Most feel it's obvious he has used anabolic steroids, or some sort of growth hormone. They note his friends who had connections with steroid laboratories, or point to the increased size of his pitcher. But what really troubles me is that many observers feel his accomplishments are tainted. No one natural could put holes that big in a wall, they say. No one pure could be that refreshing after a tough game of stoop ball, they say. They call for the asterisk. An asterisk, to denote his artificially sweetened achievements. But I believe all true fans of thirst quenching should reject the asterisk. After all, aren't the walls Kool-Aid Man destroys now much stronger than they used to be? He once ran through walls of sticks and mud; now he must deal with reinforced steel and other modern alloys. Furthermore, due to global warming, today's children get much sweatier and hotter than those of yesteryear. Are all these changes accounted for in the record books? As long as Kool-Aid Man is able to deliver refreshment to those who need it, I reject the asterisk!

Football Preview

It will be a season of transition for the New York Giants. Let's take a closer look to see what is in store.

Quarterback - Eli Manning:
Entering his 3rd full season as a starter, Manning has shown flashes of ability but also maddening inconsistency. We should learn this season if he is truly a star in the making, or if the Giants should start thinking about the future. If the former, the playoffs are a strong possibility.


Running Back - Brandon Jacobs:
Replacing the brilliant Tiki Barber will not be easy. Hopefully the fans will let Jacobs prove himself and not compare him directly to his predecessor. Jacobs has mostly been employed as a short-yardage back until now, but he has the talent to succeed in the starting role.


Defensive End - Kool-Aid Man:
With future Hall of Famer Michael Strahan continuing to contemplate retirement, the Giants are depending on this rookie. In college he showed tremendous ability to smash through walls of blockers. There is some concern he is not in the best shape, but he never seems to get dehydrated.

He is McLovin

Kool-Aid Man has a small but pivotal (and uncredited) role in Superbad, as McLovin, the crime-fighting, womanizing, alcoholic sidekick of the protagonists. I hope the Academy will remember this performance come Oscar time.

casting call

Shirt - check.
Belt buckle - check
Pants - ehhh...come on buddy, don't you know that wearing red and black together is a very dangerous mix? That will scare children away.

And did you leave your spout in the car? Well, hurry up and get it.

want some candy?

Ironically, the pants make him seem more dangerous. When he was all exposed, it's like he had nothing to hide. Now, he's that shady cat on the block you should keep your young daughter away from.

Not this mom, though! She sees a big pitcher, remembers those warm feelings she had chugging alcoholic punch at Barnard, and thinks it's alllll gooood.